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Regardless of how big or how small a family, disputes and misunderstanding will and may arise. Disputes can be on money matters; inheritance; ownership of property; on choices made; work; misunderstanding of a situation or words used; attitudes; family choices and relationships etc. Disputes may be settled between the parties concerned or may need a lawyer to settle it.
One must be very careful in mentioning or to say anything about the problem as it can aggravate the situation. A person must analyze and be honest with himself/herself about what caused the situation of the disputes. One must go to the root of the cause to be able to trace it. It is not easy to settle disputes as one is dealing with different attitudes; personalities; upbringing; and values.
If the dispute is on relationships communication; self-awareness and honesty must be exercised. Both parties must do the steps separately so as settle the situation in a civilized manner. Below you will find some steps or a sort of guide that may be of help:
a) Pray -- for enlightenment of the situation; be honest with yourself; say words that will not hurt or blame.
b) Go to the root of the dispute: Make a check list: write down all the possible causes that started the dispute; have a trusted friend or relative who is neutral to guide you.
c) then rank the most important causes -- that made the situation worse. In each rank write the possible attitude or reaction one did to make it worse. Write down what words were used. Make sure it is in the “I” person, not we or you. Write down beside that what you have to do to fix the situation.
d) Set a date to communicate – have all the sincere notes you have made in your mind and heart. Set a place where both of you will not get distracted and that will be conducive to both of you for clear and open communication.
e) Listen and understand- The person must listen attentively to what is being said. There should be no interruptions from the other person. It may even be better if both of you agree to have someone mediate in your dispute. That person can give views that may inspire the both of you.
Ask if you can take down notes of what is being said to clarify the matters being said so no misunderstanding will occur. Stay on the topic and don’t beat around the bush. Be careful with the words used. Words can hurt and can aggravate the situation. Listen and understand with compassion. When expressing your explanation don’t get irritated or angry. Talk calmly. Never point a finger at the person. Anger may arise in the course of the explanation but try to remain calm. Remember the other is hurting too, but with compassion and reassurance the situation can be improved. Your partner may calm down when he/she sees that you are calm and controlled.
f) Give suggestions on how to fix dispute – after the exchange of enlightened matters see how both of you can settle the issue by looking at the notes each one has made and have an exchange of loving solutions to improve and settle the matter. The suggestions to solve the dispute must be sincere and must be practiced.
If one has settled the dispute the feeling of peace in one’s heart radiates and it shows in the person’s face and personality and will make you a better person.
Creating long lasting relationships is not always easy. It can sometimes require a lot of work and effort that takes the form of compromise and understanding. Be willing to give and be patient with your loved one. Accept the fact that you are individuals that may not always agree. Sometimes you may have to agree to disagree. But try to find a loving and compassionate way to do that. This is how you build a lasting relationship.
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