Life holds lots of surprises – some of them are pleasant and some aren’t. Getting the news that your spouse is terminally ill is not easy to deal with. You hear the news, your heart is breaking, but you know you need to be strong. You want to do whatever you can to take this away, but there is little you can do.
Your partner, the person you love more than life itself is slowly dying before your eyes. While one of you may want to learn all there is about the illness the other may not. Some people are willing to try drugs and treatments that are in the testing phase in order to offer a glimmer of hope; but others seem to simply resign themselves to the fact that their life on earth will be over soon.
You may or may not be familiar with the 7 stages of grief. These stages apply to such situations as this as well as to the actual loss of a loved one. While you will notice that your beloved partner is experiencing these stages, you will also feel these emotions – but in a slightly different way than your partner.
The first stage is about shock and denial. Both of you are likely to feel similar during the initial onset of the disease or the knowledge. These emotions help to numb the emotional impact of the news. The shock does not need an explanation, but perhaps it is important to say that after the shock is over your partner may go through a phase of denial. This, of course, is completely normal as it is a way of trying to avoid the terrible fate.
Soon afterward, the next stage sets in; this second stage is that of pain and guilt. This is an extremely difficult period as one may have guilt feelings about past times and the realization that those times are either gone or are coming to an end. Most people have an extremely difficult time during this phase.
The third stage is anger and bargaining, which means that the culmination of anger can result in you blaming doctors, nurses, or others for your partner’s illness. During this phase many people ruin other relationships in their lives because of the anger they vent toward undeserving individuals. This is also a time when some people try to bargain with fate in a way to change the situation. For example, an unfaithful spouse may promise to never cheat again, as long as his/her partner is allowed to live.
The fourth stage is depression. This is a time of full realization of the loss, which of course, leads to depression. Many people prefer solitude during this time because it allows for time to reflect on memories and perhaps even time to consider the future. Stage five begins a slow turn around. This is when individuals begin to adjust to the situation. Your spouse may fully realize and accept his/her fate, but he/she may seek realistic solutions to the illness or even to providing for the future for you and others. The sixth stage is about working through life and moving forward, even after the loss.
Your partner may make funeral plans and ‘get things in order’ and you may find yourself focusing on how to best deal with any financial problems that you may be faced with. The seventh and final stage of grief is that of acceptance. This is the time that you accept the situation and deal with the reality of it. The same is true for your partner.
While you both are struggling with your emotional trauma it may be difficult to always be the person you want to be for your partner. Just give him/her love and understanding. When he/she wants to reminisce about the old times and the good times, be there to talk about them. If your partner becomes bedridden do little things for him/her that will make life more comfortable.
You will probably have regular nurse visits as well as a caregiver that can provide bathes and other such care. But your mate is likely to prefer having you spend some quality time with him/her. Do what you can to make that time count. Provide a room with a window but insure that there is a way to darken the room if needed. Most people enjoy having lotion rubbed on their arms, hands, legs, and feet. Keep fresh water available and something to moisten his/her lips. Many women want their makeup applied everyday and most men like to be clean shaven. It may come down to only little things that you can do for your partner, but in the end it is those little things that will matter the most.
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